Funeral Basics
History and Customs
Members of a society have cared for their dead as long as history has been recorded. Societal norms and religious customs usually influenced these rituals. In the United States, funerals have historically followed a prescribed religious ritual or had at least some religious element as part of the service.
Typically, there was a period of viewing or visitation when the community could gather to pay their respects to the deceased and offer comfort to the family. Many years ago, it was tradition to have this gathering at the family’s home. The funeral service was held in a church and concluded at a cemetery where the deceased was laid to rest. As time passed and the population became more centered on developing cities, there became a need for places for the public to gather and honor the dead and for persons with specialized skills to help people care for their loved ones. Thus, the modern funeral home and funeral director emerged to serve the needs of their community.
The funeral director typically had living quarters at the funeral home and there was also dedicated space for the public to gather. While funerals were mostly held at churches, with time there also emerged a trend to hold the service in the funeral home for convenience's sake or if the deceased was not affiliated with a local church. Funerals remained events that reflected the religious tradition of the individual.
Today, while the majority of funerals still have religious themes, families are also looking for ways to incorporate a feeling of personalization into the funeral to help the services more closely reflect the life of their loved one. In addition, some families are selecting cremation over casket burial. Personal reasons for selecting cremation are varied, but there have been many misconceptions as it relates to cremation and the funeral. Some persons believe that selecting cremation prevents them from having a viewing or a funeral.
Regardless if you choose cremation or casket burial, your options for services and merchandise are the same. You may choose to have a viewing or visitation with the casket present, or a service at your church or funeral home followed by the cremation process. More information on your options related to cremation can be found in the “Cremation Options” section of this website.
Whether you subscribe to a formal religious tradition, are spiritual but not religious or have other beliefs, your NFDA funeral director is prepared to help you understand your options and plan a tribute that is both meaningful and appropriate.
Taken from NFDA Website: https://www.nfda.org/consumer-resources/why-a-funeral/history-and-customs
Funeral Etiquette
Knowing what to say and do when a friend or loved one had died can be difficult. Many times we just don’t know how to approach a person who is grieving or what to say when we do approach them.
We’ve included some helpful suggestions in regards to the questions we hear most often:
Offering Condolences
Sometimes we are at a loss for words when someone has died. One of the reasons why people are so uncomfortable at a wake or funeral is because they’re not sure about what to do or say when offering condolences. Sometimes it may feel like simply saying “I’m so sorry for your loss” is not enough.
Whether you are offering condolences by calling, sending a card or flowers, or visiting, the important thing is to make a gesture that lets the family know you’re thinking of them and share their sorrow.
Here are some examples you can use to modify and make your own:
“I/We are thinking of you. I/we wish there were words to comfort you”
“I/We are shocked and saddened by your loss. We care and love you deeply.”
“He/She (use their name) was such a fine person.”
“What you’re going through must be so very hard/difficult.”
“I’m so sorry (use their name) died. I will always remember him/her.”
“He/she lived a full life and was an inspiration to me and many others.”
Just as important as what to say is what “not to say”. Some examples that are not helpful that you will want to avoid saying are:
“It’s probably a blessing.”
“I know just how you feel.”
“He’s/She’s at peace now.”
“God won’t give you more than you can handle.”
“At least he/she is no longer suffering.”
“You have to be strong now for your family (or business).”
“You’ll get over it in time and find somebody else.”
Sending Flowers or Donations
- It doesn’t matter if it is flowers, a donation to a charity or a commitment of service to the family at a later date; as always, “it’s the thought that counts.” Always make sure to provide the family with a signed card, so they know what gift was given, and by whom.
What to Wear
These days almost anything goes, but only when you know it’s the right thing. In general, the etiquette for funeral attire is the same for both men and women: business or business casual attire that is respectful and conservative. If you are unsure, err on the side of dressing up as opposed to dressing down. Black or another dark color is almost always appropriate. Be sure to take the weather and location of the service into consideration
Sometimes the deceased has specified the dress code; a specific color of clothing, a style, or a “theme”. If you can’t learn the wishes of the family, then dress conservatively and respectfully.
- Consider where and when the service will be held: A memorial service at a beach will be more casual than a service at a place of worship.
- Use common sense: If you are attending the funeral of someone you knew to be quite formal, it is likely that the attire should be more conservative.
- Ask for advice: It is perfectly appropriate to ask an immediate family member or the funeral director for advice on what to wear. The deceased may have specified a preference. For example, someone with a hearty sense of humor may have specified in his or her funeral plan that they would like everyone to wear green.
- While it’s true that the standard for the funeral dress has become more relaxed over the years, clothing should still be respectful and conservative. Keep in mind that your goal is not to place the focus on you. Select elements that are respectful and conservative and will not cause a distraction.
What you should do:
- Sign the register book. Include not only your name, but you may want to include your relationship to the deceased: co-worker, gym buddy, or casual acquaintance from the golf club. This helps family place who you are in future.
- Turn your cell phone off or to “mute”. Switch your phone off before entering the funeral home or church. All too often, we see people checking their cell phones for messages during the services. Try to be present to the moment.
What You Shouldn’t Do:
- Don’t feel that you have to stay. If you make a visit during calling hours there’s no reason your stay has to be a lengthy one.
- Don’t be afraid to laugh. Remembering their loved one fondly can mean sharing a funny story or two. Just be mindful of the time and place; if others are sharing, then you may do so too. There is simply no good reason you shouldn’t talk about the deceased in a happy, positive tone.
- Don’t feel you have to view the deceased if there is an open casket. Act according to what is comfortable to you.
- Don’t neglect to step into the receiving line. Simply say how sorry you are for their loss, offer up your own name and how you knew the deceased.
- Don’t be too hard on yourself if you make a mistake. Everyone does, and you can be sure that an apology may be all that’s needed to mend and soothe.
When it’s all over, always remember to continue to offer support and love to the bereaved. The next few months are a time when grieving friends and relatives could need you the most. Let them know that your support did not end with the funeral.